Craig Pilcher

Software enthusiast. Skilled raconteur. Power user. General man-about-town.

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Planning stings and getting stung

Dear Mike (my NSA angel),

I hear you guys got duped pretty bad by a major US telecom company. I am having trouble picking a favorite part of this situation. Too many to choose from:

  • Telecoms apparently overcharge everyone, even the federal government.
  • The idea of suing those telecoms to get your money back is laughable when you substitute “average consumer” for “federal government.”
  • Sprint’s network was not capable of adequate surveillance, from a technical standpoint. If you are planning something that requires surveilling and you are smart enough to use a network that is too shitty to tap, you deserve to operate in secret.

Is anyone in the right here? It’s like corruption Inception. I know you can neither confirm or deny any of this1, but come on. We know it was you, Mike.

I’m watching you,

Craig

  1. Like Steven Seagal.  ↩

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Cable questions

Dear Jim (my NSA angel),

My cable company is attempting to buy their closest competitor. I know you and Comcast are bros on the DL, but your love is quite transparent to the public. Anyways, was this your idea? Vertical integration of data harvesting, now covering 37 of the top 40 markets in America. Solid strategy. I try to avoid conspiracy theories, but a surveillance state combined with this sounds like some Illuminati1 shit.

Speaking of TV, how have you liked the new season of House of Cards so far2? Some solid digital espionage going on in the first few episodes, but through the FBI/Secret Service? Come on, we both know who the real 1337 h4XX0rs are.

So, listen, if any packages come to the house, could you put them inside the screen door for me? I don’t get home until the evening, and I would prefer they weren’t covered in snow. Also, weather machine? Is that a thing yet? Please...

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Olympic Questions

Dear Robert1 (my NSA angel),

How are the Olympics going? I am one of these new fangled “cable cutters”2 that NBC apparently hates, so I have to get all my Olympic news second hand. Has anyone skiied over a dog yet? Did Putin win any medals yet - biathlon, figure skating, dressage, etc.? Is Bob Costas going to leave Sochi with some kind of super power, a la Cyclops?

I have to say that the Colbert Report has had my favorite3 coverage of the games so far, with the From Russia with Love - But No Gay Stuff segments. Also, how is the brightness and contrast on my TV? Can you see it OK?

Well, it’s getting late4. I am going to go drink a beer and - well, no need to tell you5.

Love,
Craig

  1. I know it was Frank last time. It changes. You think just one guy works at the NSA? ↩

  2. You knew that. ↩

  3. You knew that too. ↩

  4. Did you know that? ↩

  5. Because you know. ↩

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Dear NSA Angel

One of my best friends is doing some awesome things in the Navy. Like, awesome enough that he can’t really say what they are. My wife and I were talking about him a couple weeks ago and came to the realization that we have contacted him enough that we are well within the two or three degrees of separation required1 for NSA surveillance2.

Since then, we have included occasional messages to our “NSA angel” in our everyday communication, to see if they come true or just to give some Quantico keyboard jockey a laugh. Thus far, our NSA angel has failed to predict the Super Bowl outcome3 or chime in with the proper number of ibuprofen pills to treat inflammation.4

Anyways, I haven’t had a lot of time to write lately - just been a little busy5. And the only people that knew about my NSA angel were my wife and I, our Navy friend6, and our NSA angel (obviously). So I am making my NSA Angel...

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